Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Ramblings Of An Exhusted Mommy

***Note that this blog was started days earlier but I was having comp troubles so I am just getting back to it now***

Yesterday was a good day. My little man slept for 9 out of 12 hours over night. The rest of the time was spent feeding, pumping and changing. Each feeding is an hour to an hour and a half production. I am still not producing enough milk to satisfy him, nor can he latch on to my right breast. So he has to be supplemented with a bottle of breast milk(usually except at night) or formula with each feeding and then I need to pump the right breast(and left for anything else I can get). Asa poops with each feeding, sometimes twice which means double changing. It doesn't seem to matter how long I wait before the first changing, he likes to surprise me with a second.

I have been getting steady migraines which seem to be the result of my neck being out and lack of sleep. The inevitable postpartum RA flare up is in full force which only adds to my exhaustion. If I haven't mentioned this before, prior to baby I need 9-11 hours sleep on average to function, and few more during a flare, now add a baby and a flare up, and there's trouble.

My MIL goes home on Friday and Susanne comes on Monday. Not sure what I will do after Susanne leaves as I will have no one to hand my baby to and head back to bed. Haha. I am starting to think I may not be able to keep up with breast feeding this way, which breaks my heart. It wouldn't be so bad if he was able to latch to both sides, then I could eliminate the pumping unless needed. Sigh.

My biggest fear has come true. Not the "Will I be able to physically care for, change, cloth and carry this child" as I was told I wouldn't be able to do by one ignorant doctor years earlier. Bite me doc, I am doing all that with ease...except pushing the car seat belt release button, but my amazing husband made me the coolest device at work yesterday that enables me to do so all by my lonesome. God, I love that man! Nope my fear has been the exhaustion. Would I be able to function on such little sleep and the answer is increasingly, no. Baby is putting on weight now and seems totally in the clear of his jaundice so I think the next step, before I decide to stop, or cut back breastfeeding, is to try and get him on a schedule. If we can make that work, then that might be the difference in my sanity and health. I can't have a healthy baby if I'm not healthy.

**update starts here**

I spoke with a lactation nurse for a while the other day. She reminded me that formula wasn't poison. Not that I thought it But I had had it in my heart that I would be a breast feeding momma. But I have come to realize that I don't have to give it all up. So here is the new plan:

I pump 3-5 times a day for 10-15 minutes, not around feeding time, just when I have a moment, usually every 3-5 hours. Baby latches and has breast milk as an appetizer...haha and sometimes to top off a bottle, mostly for bonding and comfort. During the day he is fed breast milk from a bottle and then at night he gets formula just before bed and for his middle of the night feeding. Not only does he sleep a little longer during the night on formula, feedings & changes...he poops with every feeding! are now 30-45 minutes. A big difference when it comes to my sleep time. So our little man is still getting breast milk and I still get to have the bonding of breast feeding but that pressure and guilt has been relieved.

Ok, so now for a couple of pictures. I will try and write my birth story in the next day or so, but since it was requested to have a picture of baby and me, which are few and far between, here ya go!

He always looks so disgruntled...LOL. it was bright out side and he was not amused...hehe. But this next shot just cracks me up. Looks like him and G-Pa Burleson where sharing some dirty jokes or something...haha. Grandma Burleson left yesterday but Grandpa B will be here for another week or so. Asa has really taken to him. He'll just sit with G-pa for hours on his lap, looking around, completely calm and relaxed...hehe.

Lastly, I want to say a HUGE thanks to Grandma B for all the help and hard work she did this past month. Not sure who's gunna cook our meals and do the laundry now. Crap I guess that's back to being my job. ;) And here's some more great news. I only have 5 lbs to go to be back to my starting wait! Yippee. Not sure how much my boobies weigh though as they are C's now..hahaha, C's, that just cracks me up. Please, please, please don't go back to AA's! Would it be wrong to ask for booby prayers? LOL.


Genevieve said...

Only 5 lbs to go...I hate you! I'm still trying to drop like 15. Very cute picture of you and baby. How do you get the background so white? Sorry you're having so much trouble with the breastfeeding, but at least you can do it at all. It truly is a great bonding experience!

Michelle said...

You are amazing! So glad you figured out a happy medium to the whole breastfeeding dilema. It's hard! Not sure if your lactation nurse mentioned fennel tea...I drank about 3 cups a day, and it did increase my milk supply a bit for the twins. It's also called mother's milk tea. And sorry to say that you should try to not get too attached to your new big boobies...mine went back down to A's!!! Have a fun visit with Susanne!

strawberrygirl said... and Asa look great! Don't pressure yourself so much with the breastfeeding. I know it is in your heart what you want to do...but Asa will get lots of nutrition and love from you no matter what. I stopped breastfeeding at 9 weeks and Hunter is doing amazing:)

Not sure if I mentioned The Baby Whisperer to you. It is the best book I have for babies...and I have a lot:) It helped me get the feeding/sleeping routine down for Hunter by 6 weeks.

strawberrygirl said...

I have a lot of books...not babies:) Just want to be clear:)

Zee said...

Tara...LOL...lots of babies...haha.

Genevieve, The background was originally flesh color as that is what color our home is painted..haha gotta love renting! I created a duplicate layer in photoshop, removed the saturation to -79%. Then added, or should I say erased with the eraser tool the saturation on our faces & arms. Then using the diffuse glow filter, make sure your two square color palettes are on at front white in the back. I then diffused with:
graininess =1
glow amount=2
clear amount= 16...I think, I play until it's an effect I like.

I am addicted to that darn filter and also used it in the g-pa and Jeff picture I just posted. the photo itself has a lot to do with how the filter will turn out. :)

Michelle, I have heard of it but haven't tried it yet. Does it taste ok?

wendy said...

hey zee. hang in there.

i wanted to offer up support from another who produced little and was chestfully challenged prior to baby. Your body will make as much as it thinks it needs. so to increase your production, you need to fool it into thinking it needs more. So, I used to pump 15-20 minutes every 1.5-2 hours. within a few days, I'd see increased production. I kept at it. I won't like - i didn't "catch up" to "normal" women til he hit 3 months - but I had no problems from then on out and I had no problems with DD 2 years later.

that having been said, formula is not bad. If you are exhausted, take a look at your milk - it'll be watery and thin. its no good for either of you. AND there will be times when you cannt give him your milk - if you get sick, on meds etc. the formula - if he's never had it before, he will outright refuse it at that point and then where would you be?

sooooooo. i guess the bottom line of this rambling post is to do what you think is best b/c only YOU know what YOU can handle. and if it turns out its not what someone else would do? well, I suppose that's the first lesson of motherhood. and its not the first time you will get this. (most of the time it comes when your kid is in meltdown and veryone else is giving you nastly looks that say "control your kid." ) its your child. you do what you think is best for you and everyone else who might think something else? not their baby. not their body...

hugs. hang in there. you all look beautiful,

christina said...

awww don't worry. breastfeeding will either work for you or it won't. i completely understand. okay who am i kidding LMAO i don't have RA do i can't completely understand, BUT i do understand him wanting to eat like crazy and feeling like you aren't making enough milk. dyllan ate every 1.5 hours for at least an hour or so at a time till he was NINE MONTHS OLD. yah drove me nutso. i tried supplementing but the little booger wouldn't take a bottle LMAO. yah you read that right HE WOULDN'T TAKE A DAMNED BOTTLE or pacifier OR anything with a fake nipple on it. i thought i would die LOL. it was sooo hard trying to comfort him being all gassy and cranky and well you name it and HE WOULDN'T TAKE A BOTTLE!!!!!!!!!! LMAO ya it really wasn't funny at the time. i thought i would LOSE it so many times. just hang in there and do what you feel is best. i know you want the breast feeding bonding experience so just do it as long as you can with supplements of bottle and hey who knows maybe your boobies will get the jist and kick it in high gear.

love you sweetie and being a mommy is hard work yet so rewarding.

Michelle said...

The tea isn't bad...not my fave, but definitely drinkable. I always got the fennel and steeped it in a stash basket.