Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Breakup

**Warning** Possible movie spoilers ahead.

I went with my MIL to see the breakup last Friday. At the end of the movie we turned to each other with a "Huh, not sure I liked it." It wasn't a bad movie or anything, had many funny parts but it was a real depiction of many relationships. I found this frustrating for many reasons, and in fact somewhat haunting. You see neither person really wanted to break up, they got into a fight, things were said and the rest of the movie was what seems to be the biggest problem in most relationships: LACK OF COMMUNICATION!

It was really quite simple had they just expressed themselves when things calmed down they probably could have worked it out. Unfortunately their friends who were trying to be supportive, not once encouraged them to sit down and talk it out, but instead misguided them and made things worse. There was a scene in the movie (near the end) where she breaks down crying and in a very heart felt way tells him why she was feeling the way she was and what she needed and had wanted from him in return. He replied with" Why didn't you just say that, I didn't know you felt that way. I'm not a mind reader..." Unfortunately for them this happened weeks after the fight and it was too little to late.

I guess why this bothered me so much isn't because the movie characters weren't able to work it out as we all know Vince and Jen seem very happy in real life. What bothered me is that there are some people very close to me whose relationships may be on the rocks and I see these things happening. When confided in and I have asked "Have you sat down and talked about it, NOT during the argument?" The response is no. PEOPLE, HELLO! You cannot expect to be heard during an argument, things are said out of anger and a wall of defense goes up. You're not really listening to the other person nor are they listening to you. You are both only seeing your side of things and arguments tend to exaggerate them.

It blows my mind how many marriages have such a big lack of communication when it comes to the important things, like how each other is feeling. I truly don't understand it. I'm not saying that my marriage is perfect but hell, it's pretty darn close. I will admit our relationship wasn't always so great. In fact we broke up due to arguments. It was on one of my visits here long before we were married. I was devastated at the thought of it being over and cried all night. Jeff went to work in the morning without my usual kiss goodbye and that made me feel worse. I didn't want it to end I knew I wanted to make it work. When he got home he had this silly grin on his face and matter of factually said "No. We are not breaking, up. We have a good thing and we're gunna make it work." This seems virtually unheard of but we actually sat down and get this, we TALKED! *Gasp*

We laid it all on the table, what my flaws were, what his flaws were and what we both needed to change in order to make it work. This meant not getting our defenses up during the conversation, nobody wants to admit they may be wrong or contributing to a negative situation but we both played a hand in it. We laughed during this conversation and we, or at least I cried. ;) It was heart felt and when it was all over we BOTH knew what changes we had to make and the key to it working was that we were BOTH willing to make those changes.

The whole process was really quite simple, we shared how we were feeling and why we were feeling that way. It wasn't rocket science. He is my best friend so it seemed most logical that we should share our feelings, our needs and our wants. It took work, and there are still times were I am reminded of that conversation. We don't fight but have had little arguments, disagreements, hurt feeling but guess what, we both walk away and then an hour or so later when we have "calmed down" we actually talk about it. This always ends in hugs and kisses, because neither of us wants the other to be hurt or angry.

I guess that's what I find so hard to understand, if you love the person, be it a friend, spouse, relative ect.. why, if you are hurt, angry or upset would you not address that person? I see it so often where people talk to everyone BUT the person they have the issues with. And like the movie, so many times those who THINK they are being supportive only end up adding fuel to the fire.

People need to own up to their part in the relationship, take responsibility for their actions and most importantly, if you care about the person sit down and talk to them! I can't express that enough! There are some people I just want to grab and shake! Whether it be those in the relationship or those on the outside who don't seem to have a clue in how they are negatively effecting them.

I just want to scream "Look what you are doing to yourself! Look how your actions are affecting others, your loved one, your family. Put aside your pride, your arrogance, your stubbornness. Sit down and talk to this person. Admit your role in the relationship be honest with yourself, with them and if it really means anything to you then make the changes that are needed to have the best relationship you can!"

It can be done people. Don't be like Vince and Jen in this movie, stop playing games. It may take some work but it's well worth the effort. I can attest for that, three years of marriage less than a handful or arguments and not once has a voice been raised. I married my very best friend and I intend to keep it that way.


Jen said...

You are so right! Game playing gets you nowhere but unhappy!

Miss M! said...

Dr. Zee, Therapy: 5 cents.... hee hee! You're very right though.

Soooo.... I hear you got a tan? :)

mom said...

I see you and Jeff together and you did find the secrect.You are one smart chick. I have to take some credit, I did raise you. heeheehee

mom said...

okay to I miss spelled secret. I still take some credit.LOL

Yer Daddy said...

On the other hand.. you may well have gotten the "talk it out gene" from me ;-).. btw... thank you two for the great fadders day gift.. Love ya.. Dad