Today I am 37 weeks. Baby will be here within the next two. I know this because Monday we will be scheduling a c-section.

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Many, many tears, frustration and anger. I am doing my best to keep my head up, but it is becoming increasingly hard. It's not my place to publicly announce the turmoil that my family is going through, and there is a lot. But I will share what I am going through.

1000 miles away from being able to console, to help or support I have done my best through phone calls to show my love. To be there the only way I can. As of yesterday one family member made the decision that I am no longer welcome in her life. I have been told I am a selfish, self-centered, self-righteous know it all. Why, because I have tried to help calm, and shed light, to be there for everyone. Sometimes trying to be a mediator, and to stop some of the negativity.

Last Sunday I wrote a letter to someone I love with all my heart and would do anything for. This person has been lashing out at me and I needed to back away for a while. I expressed my love and willingness to always be there, but that for mine and my babies health I needed some time away from all the negativity. For that, I am "insanely selfish". Apparently I am not aloud to hurt. I feel so helpless right now, and so sad.

I have always been a strong person and have had the ability to pick myself up, wipe myself off, learn and move on. Whether is was being the yo-yo between my parents when they were separated, living with all the years of ups and downs with my RA, moving away from all of my friends and family or even being date raped. Whatever it was, I have had the ability to find the good, look forward and leave it in the past. I have never claimed it was always easy and I have truly had my share of meltdowns. But before reaching the breaking point, I would always bounce back. Now even that ability, or blessing as I like to think of it, was just thrown in my face as a negative.

I guess it's easy when you are on the outside of someone else's situations to see what needs to be done. That is also why I get so frustrated. I strongly believe that you are your own guide in life. The only person that can bring you happiness is you and you alone. With each life situation, is a lesson and you have the choice on where to go next. To hold on and hate, or to move forward and not let anyone or anything take away your spirit. I have tried to give love and support the only way I know how, by trying to shed light on the positive.

These people are adults and have to make their own decisions. I have to let them find themselves, as I cannot force them to get help. I have tried. I know these negative words are not coming from rational thinking, but it is still hard to hear something so absurd. It is hard to watch to people you care so much about being pulled away from you.

At a time that is supposed to be joyful, possibly the greatest day of my life, just days before the birth of my first child, grandson, nephew. I am faced with all of this. I am thankful to have such an amazing and supportive husband and a MIL who flew in immediately last week when she heard what was happening. They have been my saving grace. Sadly even my relationships with them have been turned into something negative...sigh. I pray that I find the strength to not let this wonderful time be stolen from me, but how does one do that at a time like this?

Mom & Dusten, I love you both more than anything. I always have, and I always will.