Saturday, August 04, 2007

Today I am 37 weeks. Baby will be here within the next two. I know this because Monday we will be scheduling a c-section.

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Many, many tears, frustration and anger. I am doing my best to keep my head up, but it is becoming increasingly hard. It's not my place to publicly announce the turmoil that my family is going through, and there is a lot. But I will share what I am going through.

1000 miles away from being able to console, to help or support I have done my best through phone calls to show my love. To be there the only way I can. As of yesterday one family member made the decision that I am no longer welcome in her life. I have been told I am a selfish, self-centered, self-righteous know it all. Why, because I have tried to help calm, and shed light, to be there for everyone. Sometimes trying to be a mediator, and to stop some of the negativity.

Last Sunday I wrote a letter to someone I love with all my heart and would do anything for. This person has been lashing out at me and I needed to back away for a while. I expressed my love and willingness to always be there, but that for mine and my babies health I needed some time away from all the negativity. For that, I am "insanely selfish". Apparently I am not aloud to hurt. I feel so helpless right now, and so sad.

I have always been a strong person and have had the ability to pick myself up, wipe myself off, learn and move on. Whether is was being the yo-yo between my parents when they were separated, living with all the years of ups and downs with my RA, moving away from all of my friends and family or even being date raped. Whatever it was, I have had the ability to find the good, look forward and leave it in the past. I have never claimed it was always easy and I have truly had my share of meltdowns. But before reaching the breaking point, I would always bounce back. Now even that ability, or blessing as I like to think of it, was just thrown in my face as a negative.

I guess it's easy when you are on the outside of someone else's situations to see what needs to be done. That is also why I get so frustrated. I strongly believe that you are your own guide in life. The only person that can bring you happiness is you and you alone. With each life situation, is a lesson and you have the choice on where to go next. To hold on and hate, or to move forward and not let anyone or anything take away your spirit. I have tried to give love and support the only way I know how, by trying to shed light on the positive.

These people are adults and have to make their own decisions. I have to let them find themselves, as I cannot force them to get help. I have tried. I know these negative words are not coming from rational thinking, but it is still hard to hear something so absurd. It is hard to watch to people you care so much about being pulled away from you.

At a time that is supposed to be joyful, possibly the greatest day of my life, just days before the birth of my first child, grandson, nephew. I am faced with all of this. I am thankful to have such an amazing and supportive husband and a MIL who flew in immediately last week when she heard what was happening. They have been my saving grace. Sadly even my relationships with them have been turned into something negative...sigh. I pray that I find the strength to not let this wonderful time be stolen from me, but how does one do that at a time like this?

Mom & Dusten, I love you both more than anything. I always have, and I always will.

9 comments:

Susanne P. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yer Dad said...

Danea..I wish I could take your pain..be strong, stay sane.. and know that your Dad loves you more than life itself..lets pray that this insanity is only temporary.XOXOXO

Anonymous said...

"I strongly believe that you are your own guide in life. The only person that can bring you happiness is you and you alone. With each life situation, is a lesson and you have the choice on where to go next. To hold on and hate, or to move forward and not let anyone or anything take away your spirit." Danea I think I've said this exact quote this past year...I know how difficult this is - I've been there myself...your are not selfish or unkind...and by just thinking and taking care of you and the baby now does NOT make you that way. Though its hard try to only think about this joyous day coming up and soon you will fill so much happiness with that baby in your arms :) HUGS -Renee'

christina said...

well i hope and pray that all this stress and negativity doesn't last to much longer. you are in no way a selfish person. you should be enjoying what little time you have left of being prego and also enjoying life and that baby when he makes his appearance. hang in there and just concentrate on your family and baby and things will get better.

LOVE YOU, MUAH!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Check your email, girlfriend...I sent you a message. --Shelley

Anonymous said...

Danea,
Well I cant really understand what is going on since I dont know your family, but I do know you are a true inspiration to me and one of the most talented people I know, just lift it up, that is all you can do, if you let it get you down, then you give people power over you. You will soon forget all this when Asa is born and realize it is their loss. take care. Wish you the best. Pam(Albany)

Margaret said...

Danea - hang in there! Just want you and Jeff to know that my heart goes out for you!! You are a sweetie and don't let anyone say otherwise! Asa will be here soon! Love ya - Margaret Hazen

Kaylyn said...

I am sitting here and reading your blog...and thinking wow! There is alot of things in our past and present that are the same. Know some what of what you are going through. I do not talk to my family, with the exception of my 1 set of grandparents. My MIL has been my saving grace and am blessed to have her.

Before I met my husband I was date rapped. It was the worst thing in my life.

There is much more but, I would require more space.

You can email me, if you need any support. Sometimes it is easier to communicate with someone that has been in similar shoes.

donnacr said...

I am sorry you are going through this when life is supposed to be just about the anticipation of Asa's arrival not about negative comments . I am so sad this is happening to you ...hang in there and before you know it , Baby will be here and you will be able to focas on him ......For some reason , some of us get more grief handed to us then happiness . Take care and focas on Asa and Jeff ...